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Best of 2013: Becoming my parents

Here are the first three posts from Joe Carney that look into his eventual and never ending transformation into not one – but – both of his parents!

We figured that we’d put them back out there for you – all in one spot – just in case you missed anything.

Joe Carney: Becoming my parents – Learning Manners

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I know that the past few weeks I’ve told you all about my transition into my father and the reluctant white flag I wave when I see it coming. Well, this week I was given a reprieve. I actually relived a childhood experience from when I was about 10 years old. The only difference was the actors in the play.  I portrayed my mother in this particular action/comedy.

I’d like to give you a little background into the original actor, my mom (Ceilie baby). The best and most accurate way to describe her is a more street savvy version of Judge Judy. From her ability to tell you what she thinks of you in a sarcastic, yet humorous tone to her facial expressions and disapproving sighs which let you know that you are a moron. I have inherited her wonderful “say what I want and you can kiss my ass” approach to life and everyone in it. If we love you, you will know it on a daily basis. If we don’t like you, sure-as-shit, you will know that too. It may seem excessive at times or a little too passionate, but you will always know where we stand.

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Joe Carney: Becoming my parents – The Tighty Whities Incident

joe-3Welp. This one is a winner. I had a situation arise this past weekend that completely took me by surprise. When things I do start out gradually, I can prepare for the inevitable, and make room for the change that is coming my way. I knew that my addiction to ball powder was getting severe when I started bringing travel size Gold Bond to work or kept a spare bottle in my truck “just in case”. I was able to accept it, realize it had some sort of hereditary significance and adapt. Not this time.

I was contacted a few weeks ago and asked to be a guest speaker at a local awards night. They wanted someone familiar with the community who played sports and had some interesting stories to tell. I was honored to talk about my attempts at comedy and acting (note: attempts). For a virtual no name comic to be considered interesting enough to someone that they asked you to talk about yourself was pretty cool. I talked about my first brush with fame at 10 years old when I won a Michael Jackson look-a-like contest beating out 3 grown black men. True story, stay tuned down the road for that fun and exciting time in my youth. Dress the fat kid up like a small black man and parade him around. Great idea, Mom! I never knew why I couldn’t find a girlfriend. But I’m getting off the subject, back to the morphing.

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Twitter: The Safest Way to Share Post-Prom Pictures…Said No One Ever

promThere are a lot of crazy activities that go on during Prom Weekend, and none of them are parent-friendly. My mother would have been frantic if she learned I wasn’t taking my vitamins everyday. Most teenagers try to lie to their parents after a weekend in Seaside in order to protect their innocent image, but I didn’t revert to this tactic. I was perfectly honest about all of the Monopoly and SAT-Review Games that I played Saturday night. Unlike others of my age, I know better than to lie. No matter how beautifully I craft a story, it doesn’t matter because somebody will spoil it with the ultimate tattletale technology — Twitter.

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Joe Carney: Becoming my parents

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Hi, my name is Joe Carney and I am becoming my parents. That’s right the very people I spent my entire teenage existence , my hard partying 20s and now, most of my parenting 30s avoiding any similarities to. It is not that they weren’t awesome parents or that they were creepy or smelled funny. They were actually great parents, and still are, but I think that it is common nature to want to choose an alternate path than your parents did, have a different outlook on life, and raise your kids just slightly (or totally) different than you were raised. You want to wear cool clothes that fit correctly with ‘non-sensible” shoes. We don’t want to spew corny or clichéd sayings at the kids and maybe, just maybe, stay cool enough to play wiffle ball with the neighborhood kids.  These things weren’t constantly on my mind but they are certainly first in line in my subconscious and they will claim victory or failure when they come to pass. Read more

Reasons Why Parents Shouldn’t Have Facebook…Especially Mine!

facebook1 It was a Wednesday night. About ten o’clock. I had just finished my essay for English class, titled “Why Reading Crime and Punishment is Actually a Crime and Punishment,” when it happened. After three dreadful hours of poring through pages of 19th Century-Russian literature, I was finally able to open my laptop and log onto the social capital of the world: Facebook. Immediately upon entering, I noticed a new notification, signaling a “Friend Request.”  Thoughts swarmed in my head when I saw this: “Danny, this could be it! That cute girl from math class whose clothes look they’re from Baby Gap has finally requested you! This could be your moment!” Click. “Wait a minute…this says the request is from ‘Jody New’…that’s not the girl from math class. That’s…that’s my…that’s my Mom!!!!” Read more