We all go on Facebook nowadays (If AOL 6.0 and Myspace made love, THIS would be their baby). We go on it dozens of times during the day. It’s the webpage form of opening our fridge, looking inside, closing our fridge, and going back at it again in 5 minutes. One of the many beauties of it is the Facebook status. It can show us how we feel, what we’re doing, and how great we’re coping with a break up (and not coping with the break up). Here I sum up the common Facebook statuses we see every week, enjoy!
Lyrics For Lovers-
“No more I love you’s.”, “I’m your pain when you feel sad.”,” My lovely lady lumps, check them out!” (OK, last one I just had the song stuck in my head). Oh, shut up! We get it! You miss your ex. You love your boyfriend/girlfriend, “I want everyone to know by song lyrics”. Yes, it’s cute. Hell, maybe even adorable. Can’t you just text him/her? OR! Even give a phone call (even though technology is killing peoples personalities.) he/she is your boyfriend/girlfriend. Your hearts broken? I understand, but the most depressing lyrics as your status so your ex can see? Really? You want her/his friend to look at it. Call her/him. Say, (laughing) ” Dude/girl you have to see (insert name) status HAHAH, it’s SO sad.” Sometimes I sign on and I read a sad status, my mood drops. I’m upset. As if I just saw Bambi’s mom dying (Steve stops typing and cries a little). If you’re sad do what everyone does…tell your guy friends you’re totally over her and when your home you cry and contemplate texting her. Ladies. Just keep putting the sad lyrics and then when he calls/texts you at 3 a.m. and you guys “meet up” continue being the jackass that gets played and scream later the next day, “I don’t deserve this!!”. Yup, you do.
We do NOT need to know where you are. If you were a celebrity, AWESOME. You’re not a celebrity though. “(Insert name) just checked in to Retro Fitness.” Real cool. That just screams “Ladies, I work out. Look at my check in! Please! I want attention!”.” I want to be the mayor of Starbucks though Steve!” You know what you get if you’re the mayor of Starbucks? Nothing. A Starbucks helicopter isn’t going to show up at your house at 3 A.M. with the loudspeaker saying, “Steve, We have an important job for you! Come out!” Nope, doesn’t happen. You can tell the guy at Dunkin Donuts you’re the mayor of Dunkin. You know what he’ll say, ” You’re total is 3.28.”. Nobody cares. Unless your parents have Facebook and that’s how you secretly let them know where you are, so they don’t embarrass you in front of your friends.
Extinct: The BBM-
Not everybody had BBM. If they did, they would have asked.
(Example how they ask:
Person 1: Do you have a Blackberry?
Response: Why yes.
Person 1: Can I get your BBM? )
That’s how it worked. You did not need to put it up every time you were: Sick, mad, upset, out, in church, out of church, dinner, etc. We know what it screamed. “Hey, I’m really alone and want someone to talk to.”. You know who you can talk to when you have problems? Your parents. They love you and care what you have to say. Not a random friend (who you most likely didn’t know or talked to in high school.) that pretty much wants you sexually. “I hate my parents though.” Weh! Life isn’t perfect. If you’re parents suck, you have friends. Sometimes friends are better than the family have. Shit, they can even be your family (Steve pours a 40 on the floor) this is for my homies…
“Ugh, Can’t believe it’s Monday”, “Monday’s suck!”, “Where did the weekend go? Monday again, Blah!” Wow! Wait! Hold on! You have a calendar? No way. Let me get MY calendar! (Steve skims through it.) Wow! Monday REALLY comes after Sunday! Thank you, SO much. Now, let us tell the whole world of our discovery!!!
It’s the winter and the snow is falling. Yes, it is dangerous to drive (even more so when you’re updating your status while driving your car). Yes, the snowflakes fall pretty hard sometimes, that’s how the WEATHER works. “Omg, it’s raining!!!” is that what the drops of water falling from the sky and hitting my face were? I thought the sky had a leak or how my gam-gam said “It’s god crying” ahhh, my very Catholic Portuguese grandma how I love you.
“We fall just so we can learn how to get up again.”, “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit.” Both very beautiful quotes. Sometimes we look at these quotes and we relate and want to share it with the world, but if you’re posting these quotes all the time. You need to stop. The value of these words the author that made them are totally lost because you posted fifty of them the last three days. Plus, who goes on Facebook purposely to look at this persons status (Who works at Starbucks), and says, “This persons right, we all ARE in the gutters, but some of us ARE looking at the stars.”
SMH, FML, ZZZ, BBL, CM, DV8, CM. The status box isn’t the Periodic Table. Are we that lazy that we can’t type words? The keyboard is made purposely so we type words faster and not need the use of a pencil/pen. You know who you remind me of? That fat person who orders 3 Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers, chicken nuggets, fries, and wait for it…A WATER!!!! Real healthy for you lazy ass.
With “The Love” Status-
Might as well have your boyfriend as a location and check in every time you’re with him. “I’m with him <3″. You’re either trying to get some girl jealous, wanting attention so one of your girls can “Like” your status, or you just want everyone to know you’re going to get some that night. It’s childish, honestly. Nobody gives a crap. It’s not like I’m looking through my “Recent News” going , ” God I hope ( Some girls name) is with her boyfriend! This is better than The OC!!” I’m not, and when one of your single friends is liking this particular status she’s thinking this when she clicks on the “Like” button, “This bitch is always on that dick” (It’s what they all say, I Googled it).
Girls That Act Like They Watch Sports-
Aw. “Go big blue!” It’s adorable like the care bears. Let me guess. The guy you like, likes the Giants, Yankees, or the Knicks? You want to show him you watch sports. It’s adorable. Majority of the times when I go to a sports bar to watch my football team (GO 49ers!!!) there’s sometimes a lot of women around with football jerseys, but when half time comes along, majority of them are so drunk they’re refreshing Facebook every 5 minutes on their phone, smoking even more cigarettes with their lady friends (cigarettes are so good when you’re drunk!), and not even paying attention to the game. You know what the guys are doing watching the game? Not on their phones, trying not to smoke any cigarettes so they don’t miss a minute, and they haven’t left their seat during the whole game.
Play by Play Of A Sports Game-
I’ll tell you about this guy. He wanted to be a sports commentator when he was in high school. Marijuana and partying stopped his dream and he works for the Union now (excellent benefits and retirement plan). He’s probably won some NCAA brackets, maybe a fantasy football league and he wants to show off to the Facebook world he knows his sports and he should have been a commentator. So what he does is he STOPS WATCHING this game and lifts his head up every 5 minutes or so until some big play or bad call happens to type about it on Facebook to seem like he knows his shit. If we are missing a big play or bad call, we will do what every man with the internet does and go to ESPN, NFL, NBA, and NHL.com and watch the highlights. Plus, we can DVR games now. This person just wants to talk about the sport with an internet buddy and his plan should just be him joining BleacherReport.com.
This one is a little touchy to talk about. I understand when someone passes away you want to reach out to someone and it’s nice to feel love from people you see all the time, to people you barely see anymore. What I don’t like is when that person wasn’t even your friend or family member and you’re posting statuses about this person saying “R.I.P. Person X, you were a good person”, that’s not your job to do that. It’s the family’s job to do so. In addition, do you think the family likes seeing that person’s name tagged in a status or pictures of that person on Facebook? It’s been 3 days since he/she has passed. Especially when the family doesn’t know who the hell you are! They’re trying to cope with it and you’re mentioning it for “Likes”? Let’s remember R.I.P. means Rest in peace, let them do so.
Picture status of food-
I never in my life was hungry and as soon as I made the food, took a picture of it and posted it on Facebook with the caption saying, “Dinner is served”. Well, if it’s served you should be eating it, not taking a picture of it. That’s like getting a flat tire and instead of taking care of the situation, you take a picture of it, and then assess the situation. Just eat, I don’t care if you can cook and neither does anyone, but I get it. If it gets you laid, keep cooking and taking pictures Chef Boyardee.
Slutty pictures (Men and Women)-
We need to stop this. It’s an epidemic. When did our bathrooms become a photo studio? Guys doing the head tilt and squinting their eyes like they’re James Dean while being shirtless. Are you squinting your eyes because you’re flexing your abs so much that you crapped your pants? Luckily you’re in the bathroom already. Ladies, taking one with your tits all out and putting Einstein quote as a caption doesn’t make you less slutty, it makes you look like a dumb ass. They have nothing to do with one another! It’s like posting a picture of my cat licking his paw and the caption is, “one of the most beautiful qualities of true friendship is to understand and to be understood”. The first thing you would say is “wow, Steve’s a fucking losing it”. What baffles me is we live in a society where a picture of a mom with her child will ALWAYS get less “Likes” than the orange skinned monster with neon orange bra, and silicon shoulder pad implants for boobs.