There are a lot of crazy activities that go on during Prom Weekend, and none of them are parent-friendly. My mother would have been frantic if she learned I wasn’t taking my vitamins everyday. Most teenagers try to lie to their parents after a weekend in Seaside in order to protect their innocent image, but I didn’t revert to this tactic. I was perfectly honest about all of the Monopoly and SAT-Review Games that I played Saturday night. Unlike others of my age, I know better than to lie. No matter how beautifully I craft a story, it doesn’t matter because somebody will spoil it with the ultimate tattletale technology — Twitter.
Twitter, Instagram, Vine, and all the other classics are gateways for learning of teenaged toxic troubles during Prom Weekend. For some reason, younger Jerseyans feel it appropriate to announce their alcoholic adventures to the world with pictures of their delusional, cross-eyed faces on their pages. Personally, I don’t embrace this pastime because I don’t drink or smoke…I get high on life! Therefore, my common sense level is towards the top of the high school totem pole, thus qualifying me to realize that when some schmuck rings my doorbell at two in the morning and reeks of alcohol, it is not because he “bathed in hand sanitizer.”
Point being, teenagers have trouble accepting that parents have actually been partying and drinking longer than they have. Even though the times have changed, the party provisions have remained the same: red-solo cups, ping-pong paddles, excessive amounts of quarters, etc. The only difference is that now these come from Costco. Point being, students are mislead when they assume parents won’t figure out they were drinking more than apple juice at a house/log-cabin in Seaside. Parents obviously know. All they have to do is look at the litter on the beach. Or play a game of “Where’s Whiskey?” with a picture of their children on Twitter.
But why Twitter? Why does Home-Tweet-Home run the show for online booze boasting? Because it is the most open, unsocial website of them all. People just “follow” other people, and it is rare for a Tweeter to actually check who his/her followers actually are. On Facebook, everything is centered on stalking the life out of people. You can find someone’s name, hometown, workplace, and even favorite TV Show (Just a tip for all you eligible bachelors, if it says Vampire Diaries…run!). On the other hand/wing, the Tweetie Bird is a tad more confidential. All you can really find about people is their user-name and frequently used hash-tags (my favorite is #LoveCalculus because it tells me in advance that I won’t like this person). In other words, people on Twitter are more likely to retain random followers because having them is more important than knowing them. And this is where the secret-parent-Twitter accounts come into play. There is a multitude of ‘rents who create Twitter accounts – and pretend to be teenagers – in order to learn more information about their children. And who can blame them? A mother should be alarmed if she reads her daughter’s two-in-the-morning Tweet, “asdfjhaswpoeiurqowksldjfhasjsldfsadfasff #goinggghomeeewwwithraaaandomguyyyy #hasanyoneseenmyunderwearrr.” For those interested, there are a number of steps for clarifying if a follower is actually a parent trying to learn more about his/her children:
STEP 1: Check the username.
If it sounds too formal or structured, it is either a parent or a meth dealer…so be alarmed. Typical fake-parent names include: ILoveBroccoli53, Abstinence4Ever96, NotJimmysMom45, ThoughtThisWasFacebook66, and Barbara White (some parents mess up the “Name” and “Username” questions).
STEP 2: Check the Posts
If parents aren’t trying to hide Twitters from you, then you can follow theirs and scan the posts. There’s a good chance they are trying to state modern things in order to appear a teenager, so that their children will never detect them. The only problem is that it is very hard to replicate my generation’s mentality, so their posts end up being even more obvious. In fact, they might even blow their cover when they attempt to influence with conservative suggestions. For example:
- I’m definitely not going to that party today at Angie’s House #HighOnLife #StudyingForTheSATs #AntiqueRoadshowMarathon
- I have so much fun cleaning my room #LoveMyMom #RememberedToUseWindex #DidMyOwnLaundryToo
- I find Kanye West’s music to be offensive and obligatory #JoshGrobinIsBetter #Abstinence #LoveStudyingForTheSATs
STEP 3: Check the Picture
All parents have to do is Google “Picture of Young People” and use the photo for their accounts. For girls, it is a fake-parent Twitter if the featured female is not making a duck face or holding up a peace-sign. For boys, it is a fake-parent Twitter if the featured male seems somewhat normal.
STEP 4: Delete your Twitter, because you have better things to do than be a Narcissist.
What do you do if you find a parent is stalking you? Once again, delete your Twitter. And go make real friends in real life with real English (if you still find yourself talking in “hash-tags” afterwards, revert back to Twitter because that is your best chance at normality anyway).
Obviously, no high schoolers would find themselves in these situations if they did not post embarrassing facts and pictures on their social media pages. This might come as a surprise, but once something is on the Internet, it stays there forever; like the Kardashians and American Idol. Therefore, before placing something on your page, be sure to read/view whatever you are posting from a parents’ point of view first. Ask yourself “What would my mother say if she saw a photo of me with a glass boot at a Rutgers’ Frat House?” This is critical. Because unfortunately, the Internet is kind of big, so being exclusive is kind of impossible. #CantWaitToStalkMyKidsTwittersInTwentyYears #DidISayTwentyIMeantThirty